Friday we went to Lake Erie for a picnic and this was the best the lake had to offer...


Highfalutin Wedding Extravaganza


Above is a montage of the very ritzy and glitzy wedding of our good friends Stephen and Tiffany. The reception at The Country Club in Pepper Pike was top-notch all the way. The bartenders wouldn't even let us tip 'em.
The band they hired, Nightbreeze was smoking good. From note-for-note swing tunes by Thelonious Monk and Coltrane to Four Tops and Smokey Robinson covers, these guys hit it good. And notice how the little ones hit the dance floor with a vengeance. Especially that little fellow doing the break-dance moves.


Now Let's Sit on the Berea Freeway

Sunday we came to a standstill on the Berea Freeway as a couple thousand motorcycles flew by us. Traffic was backed up for a couple miles behind us. And it's not so much the stopped traffic that sucked, but when they bikers passed and all the cars started moving again, that's when things got messy.

But we had plenty of time to sit and think about motorcycles because after that a train helped us learn the true meaning of patience...


The Pinata Kidz
So when we got where we were going we ended up hanging out with the pinata kidz at the Huckleberry Hideout. But they didn't bash the pinata while we were there. I told Julia (the cutie chugging Pabst) that my kid would love to hit the pinata. She says "You probably don't want her to hit that pinata..."
"Why?" I ask. "What's inside?"
She just says "It ain't candy..."



Never did find out what was in the pinata. Probably pot or rubbers or sex toys or something...


Which One's the Dog and Which One's the Horse??

Blue Meanies Everywhere

So how ironic is it that Muslims around the world are rioting because of possible flushing and burning of the Koran? Are these not the same (peaceful) people who push for the execution of non-believers and infidels worldwide?
And here in the good ol' US of A lefties are demanding quick response and punishment should these allegations be pinned to our military.
So wait - whilst 'liberals' rail against the GWB administration because this Koran thing is, of course, just another sign of our administrations' ineptitude and insensitivity - many of these same folks are more than happy to make conservative Chiristians the brunt of stupid jokes and personal attacks. I get the feeling the Bush haters would love to elevate the Koran to 'protected status' here in our country while using the Bible as kindling for the book-burning fire.
The more closely I examine the movements in this country, the more I am convinced the Christian right, the Muslim extremists, and the Bush-hating lefties are all just slightly different forms of the same thing: Nutjobs who should talk less and mind their own businesses.
Just because you base your philosophy on a different hate doesn't make you any less of a hater...

I do, however, advocate equal book defacement for all. Bibles, Korans, Dead Sea Scrolls, Vedic Texts, Torahs, Stephen King novels, Shel Silverstein poetry books, and Cat Fancy magazines should ALL have equal access to the bonfire pit.

Bad John Cougar

Yeah Bitch, my five year old graduated from preschool tonight. Normally I wouldn't devote space to squishy family shit, but she is so psyched to be a young adult now...




This was the program that preceded the actual graduation ceremony. The teachers found a way to stretch this out for a full two hours.

Actually, this looks more like the CD insert for a Ludacris album. I mean, 'Six on the Bed' for gosh sakes...This is total ghetto porn skrunk or crunk or whatever. 'Introduction by Ashley' is obviously about prostitution and being a ho. And the coolest of all: 'Don't Throw Your Junk/Chicken Dance'. That was a B-side from an Outkast record I think...Looking at this program made me wonder if I was gonna see a bunch of kids doing songs, or 50Cent come bustin' in to throw his junk...



So yeah, there was a Chicken Dance.

And cookies and brownies and Hawaiian Punch with sherbet in it and it was real good!!

Hazy Tuesday

So here's a random assortment of the meeting of the minds at The Brew Keeper/Buckeye Brewing.
This is where all the real thinking goes on.

Laura the Queen Beer Snob takes a tipple as Lex Luther details his plan to control ALL of Cleveland..
Notice the perfunctory pinky finger jutting out whilst she sips the ale.


Lex Luther's plan involves small drone cars which reside under the former May Co. building downtown speeding out to the inner-ring suburbs to pick up poor rednecks who need to check their email and buy new cell phones and fill out job apps all at the same time...


"I need a drink." "I need a coupla drinks..." "I'm really drunk!!"


The shameless lovebirdz couldn't make it to the men's room before the kissy-face lip-lock Frenchy-kiss make-out sesh began. All brought to you by beer. Lots of beer.

Dog Smuggles Unpasteurized Dairy...Sweet Cheeses!

Now I'm a fan of good imported cheese, but it's pretty expensive. And here in the states we can't get the really good nasty stuff. But don't fret.
I'm pretty sure my old dog has slyly started a fromagerie in her stinky pit bull jowls. Sometimes when I'm caught unawares, the old hound comes up to me and flaps out that stinky piece of ham that is her tongue, and smacks a stinky kiss upon my cheek. It is then that I suspect she has clandestinely been ageing Roquefort within her chaw.
For this I cannot prove, but the aromas that waft from her aged mouth would convince even the most seasoned connoiseur of cheeses that the old dog is harboring a dandy piece of cheddar deep within...

Drive Girlz Mull Cute Rogue

I did a little 'Taste of Latin America' wine tasting/party tonight in the fine city of Aurora. Thusly I did drive 1.25 hours each way. Car gets 40 MPG with cruise control set at 72 MPH.
YAY for Honda 4 cylinders!!




Semi-drunk wine critics of Aurora...



Ken the wine guy...



Very, very cute food-dishing-out girl.



No wine tasting would be complete without a smooooth Wine Rogue.

And of course the nerd who walks into the picture...

The Late-Night Stoner Cooking Club

Of all the fun things to do on a Monday late at night, I had the sudden urge to make vegetarian sauerkraut balls.
I 'Iron Cheffed' it up in about 15 minutes.
There's three easy steps...


Mix



Fry



Balls

My Hot Rod Has A Granny Gear

Went to the Ashtabula County Antique Engine Club 'Spring Gas Up' on Sunday. If you've never been to a tractor show, imagine a hippie festival except instead of stoner kids gettin' rowdy and cops bustin' heads, it's a bunch of old-timers in overalls trading obscure parts for way old machines. Also, there's always lots of cool junk for sale or trade.



This PeeWee bike is the shit. Lots of this kind of good old crap for sale.



That's a sickle bar for all you horror movie freaks. Ya cut yer hay down with that.
Ya cut whatever you want with that!!


An Oliver 70 row-crop tractor late '30's. Sharp mod design and American-made.
Crank-start is nifty but can break your arm if you aren't careful. Go ahead, give it a try.


Some dude went hog wild trying to build this crazy moto-scooter-bike thing. You can see the big empty spot where the V-Twin slides in. Owner said the builder died before he got around to finishing it. Thing is, whoever takes this on its first ride will probably get killed when she breaks apart or throws you off...



One of the coolest things at these shows are the engines these guys keep running. This here's a John Deere one cylinder, one valve, water-jacket-cooled belt drive engine. You pour water in the hole on top to keep the cylinder cool. Then you attach a leather belt to the pulley and the engine drives the belt to run a device attached to the belt. They used this engine last summer to stir a big bucket of home-made ice cream.
For those of you into theory, this is the basic idea upon which all engines work. Piston power is converted into rotary power which is then transferred to a driven device. Basic engine physics.



1950 Minneapolis-Moline combine. Makes a great kids' playset.



You put your finger in right here...

I Voted For Boba Fett in '04

All the Star Wars propaganda filthing up the airwaves has made me realize: Our government is really just part of an extended Star Wars saga. It's simple. We currently have the Empire residing in their Death Star working on the continuing plot to control the planet, while the wily Rebels continue their dodgy attack from Naboo.
In honor of all this Star Wars crap, I've basically re-expressed our current leaders as Lucasfilm characters.

The Evil Empire
George W. Bush, of course, is Darth Vader. Young and powerful with the tools to do good, he has darkness coursing through his veins. Much like Anakin Skywalker, he may have been good once, but those around him who were more powerful have turned him to the Dark Side.

Evil Sith Darth Maul is played expertly by Dick Cheney. A weapon whose sole purpose is destruction of Jedi, he was forged of the hateful energies of the Dark Side to be loyal to only one master - Darth Sidious (the Emperor).

Darth Sidious (the Emperor) is Ronald Reagan. Plain and simple.According to the Rebels, all evil in the solar system began with the Emperor...

Ted Kennedy. Jabba the Hut.

And all the super-psycho born again self-righteous haters can be Stormtroopers.

The Rebels & The Jedi
Jonh McCain is Han Solo and Howard Dean is Chewbacca. Han pretty much does what he wants and ain't loyal to nobody, baby. He's a maverick with a death wish. His faithful wookie just looks hairy and makes that plaintive growl/cry...

Jon Kerry is the spittin' image of Luke Skywalker. All young and fiery with limited common sense, but tons of great loopy ideas. It's gonna take Han Solo to keep Luke under control.

Lando Calrissian is Barack Obama. That's because Billy Dee Williams was cool and black. And Barack Obama is also a cool brother.

Senator Robert Byrd is the United States' very own Yoda. He's nearly indecipherable and he's always talking in tongues about things that happened hundreds of years ago.

How about Al Gore as Obi Wan Kenobi. Once upon a time, he actually mattered and fought for things that mattered. Now he's just old Ben Kenobi who lives in a cave in Jawa country.

Dennis Kucinich. Jar Jar Binks. Completely nosensical jibberish.

And Nancy Pelosi can be our Princess Leia. She sure can sass off alot and probably ought to be slapped. Or better yet, sedated by that little flying needle/syringe thingy...


See how easy it is? All this fighting amongst our politicians. It's nothing George Lucas didn't already write into a script. The Rebels never learn, though, that ya can't fight the Death Star with a bunch of bitchy commies based on the outskirts of the Dagoba star system.

And sincerest apologies. I couldn't find a place in the Star Wars galaxy for Hilary. I guess Lucas didn't write enough roles for lying cunts into his scripts.

Blame This One on the Artiste

I made it to 3pm today without any major badness happening. Went to Hudson to meet some kidz for lunch. But being the morong that I am, I locked my keys in the ignish.

The only reason I had gone out to the car was to get a cd out of my stereo for the great artiste BG. Of course I had to turn on the ignish to get the cd to eject and subsequently grabbed the cd and hit the lock and walked, like, two steps away before I realized...


And of course I have my camera so I can take great pictures of my own stupidity, but I ain't smart enough to carry and extra key. I do, however, have bottle openers everywhere. Because it's more important to be able to open your beer than to drive home...

So the great artiste ended up dogging out and we went to SFO again and I tried to figure out what to do the secure my keys when Greg says, "Wait, I've got somebody...". And Greg makes a call and about six minutes later...

The nice Guys show up outside the pizza place...



And they roll on over to the lot where my little Honda is parked and they blast away with them slim jim things for about ten minutes until boy wonder in the blue pops the driver side lock.

So thanks to you, gas station owner-guys, and especially to Greg for his handsome connections. These guys wouldn't even take and dough. Way too cool.

And Happy Birthday to Boy Schullo.

So what's really important to remember is that there's nothing more important than this goat right here. NOTHING.

Honestly, do you think this bitch gives a crap that I locked my keys in my car and we had pizza and, well, whatever...

City Asparagus 

Country Asparagus 

Baby Apple 2 

Baby Apple  

My Bad Dog Will Bite You.