Seven Day Meat Keeper

Black Man Attacks Black Woman For Being A White Man

2006-03-04T11:29:00.000-05:00

Oooh Dawg, watch out for Spike Lee. Did you get to check out this tirade about Condoleeza Rice?

Just for my own peace of mind, I'm gonna try and 'splain this one to myself:

Black guy (that's Spike, Dawg) is born in the United States and experiences racism while growing up. Black guy submits, no, subjects himself to the Man's system and learns how to make films. Black guy makes lots of films showing how bad it is to be black in the Man's World. Black guy teaches two generations of other black folks that racism is inherent in the Man's World and, from birth, black people cannot possibly live equally and freely in a racist Man's World. Black guy makes zillions of bucks off the Man and lives like a king and has season tickets to the Knicks and drives nice cars and wears tailored clothes from companies owned by the Man. Black man rails against the Man while he becomes the Man.

Black girl (that's Condi, Dawg) is born in 'Bama and parents decline to teach her just how poor, unequal, and downtrodden she really is. Black girl works hard, studies hard, and succeeds because of her talents alone. Black girl gets really important job working for the Man. Black woman is continually belittled and derided because she works for the Man.

Check that quote from our BOY Spike that Condi's "...gotten a free ride from black people..."

Curious. According to most leaders of the 'black community' (that's the SpikeLeeJesseeJacksonAlSharptonKanyeWests of the world) Condoleeza Rice isn't really black at all.She's white on the inside.

Let's just check out some of Ol' Spike's more lively assertions, shall we...

"...if you turn on the radio today, black radio, Lenny Kravitz is not black. Bob Marley wasn't black: in the beginning, only white college stations played Bob Marley..."

or

"It comes down to this: black people were stripped of our identities when we were brought here, and it's been a quest since then to define who we are."

and

"America's the most violent country in the history of the world, that's just the way it is."

and

"...Ask any dark-skinned sister with short hair: She's having a hard time because she's not getting the type of play the light-skinned sister with long hair is getting."

Sounds to me like Spike is so, so bent that he was actually born in the US and feels victimized by the Man's society and culture. At the same time, Spike finds himself unable to discover his own identity because it was stolen from him before he was born.

But check out this last gem from Spike...

"...A woman who is very secure in herself, what she's about, what she wants to do, who probably figures that she's a prize catch-sooner or later he's going to come around."

That looks like a fairly accurate depiction of our White-on-the-Inside Secretary of State.

I'm confused...

Who's the TOKEN? And who's gettin' the FREE RIDE?

Maybe Spike's comin' around...

TIMFY

2006-03-04T11:17:00.000-05:00

Tree in my front yard so nice...

Question Authority=LibertyQuestion History=Prison

2006-02-22T08:40:00.000-05:00

Boy, oh boy...Gotta hand it to our freedom-loving Austrian friends.

Yesterday, an Austrian court convicted British author David Irving to three years in the klink for denying the holocaust in speech and in print. Just knowing this subversive and dangerous criminal will be behind bars for three years should make all Jews feel that much safer. But if you think that's bad, wait 'til you hear these criminal horror stories...

Morgan Spurlock (that's the guy from Super Size Me, yeah...) will be going on trial soon in France next month for his defamatory statements of French food and culture. It seems in one of his books he referred to a baguette as a "...Long breadstick..." and has violated French laws concerning Defamation of Pastries and Baked Goods.

In San Francisco and Portland, OR, city councils are trying to pass laws making it illegal to deny the Theory of Human-Caused Global Warming. A first-time denier would be sentenced to scrubbing smog residue off city vehicles with a toothbrush. Repeat offenders would be required to wear a mask and breathe pure ozone for one week. Those offenders considered too vile to rehabilitate would buried alive to become one with the Earth - a process smugly coined 'EarthBortion'...

In Los Angeles, there's been a law in effect since about 1982 which makes it a crime to deny that Edward Van Halen is, indeed, the finest guitar player on the planet. The only punishment option for these Deniers of Guitar-Godness is to be pummelled senseless by a crowd of mulleted, leather-jacket-with-arm-fringes-wearin', Jordache skin-tight-jeans-clad, Trans-Am drivin', floppy-tongued-Reebok-high-tops-shod metalheads. Aw, Caught In A Mosh...

And lastly, right here in Cleveburg: Don't even THINK about denyin' LeBron James status as the KING! The CHOSEN ONE!! GOD'S GIFT TO BASKETBALL!!!
His mom might just run yo' ass over with her Gold-Plated Hummer...

So I say let's all heave a hefty mug of bitter beer to our more enlightened counterparts from the urbane and genteel country of Austria. Once again defining true liberty for us downtrod , muzzled Americans forced to genuflect at the odious altar of George the Bo-Nevolent.

And really, what has Austria given to the world in the last 200+ years?

Austria-Hungary. When they took over Hungary, they didn't want to come up with a new name like Austrungria or Haustria. They just jammed a fuckin' hyphen in there.
Hitler. Sweet, sweet Hitler...
The song Edelweiss.
Champion winter olympians with odd names containing lots of consonants and not enough vowels...(see Hackl, Krankl, Goetschl, Schiegl, Strobl et al...).

So let's give it up for Austria, where they stand behind their Free?press and cannot, COULD NOT, WILL NOT consider an apology for publishing some crazy Mohammed cartoons. But they still toss some old dude in the can for questioning history.

Am I the only one who thinks it's odd?

Hood Shoots Faggy Shine, Says Streets Safer For Straight Kids

2006-02-11T08:57:00.000-05:00

Almost time to pack yer bags and get out of town, my homeslice. I suppose I knew this was comin' along sooner or later. One of our fine State Representatives, Ron Hood, has proposed a bill to ban homosexuals and he/she's from adopting children.

Now those of you who know me should know I'm not a pseudo-liberal whiny ass who goes around complainin' about The Goddamn Governor This.... and F'In George W That...., but Mr. Hood (as in the thing you wear on your head while you go out lynchin' the coloreds...) has most clearly been brainwashed by Ohio's Own Radical Christian-Style AlQuaida, the Pro-Family Network.

For all my whiny hater friends, I'll just make it clear, first and foremost, that the Bush Administration is really responsible for all this... But back to the point.

So last fall we had the majority of our fellow OhiBamaSsissippians vote to define marriage in such a way that only one dude and one chick may tie the noose legally. Although I personally voted against the measure, it passed with flying colors and is now law. Good openinig move, Senator Gay-O-Phobe.

But does me see a progression here? A second parry? Aye, indeed. (That's YEP to all you guys from Zanesville and Peebles and Wauseon and Asheville and BigotTown and LynchAFag Grove...).

So secondly comes Mr. Hood with the Anti-Gay Adoption Bill. And certainly, I won't even waste more than one sentence commenting on how FREEKING STOOOPID the whole bill really is, so there.

But I see it coming down the proverbial PIPE (the PIPE being I-71 between Cincy and Cleveburg). If we can first ban gays from getting married, and secondly ban gays from adopting children, thirdly will come the bill aimed at banning gays from having any contact whatsoever with children. Follow this Family-Style Victory with step four, whereby police may detain any suspected homosexuals without cause, and finally step five where suspected gays may be SHOT ON SIGHT by the brave and concerned citizens of OhiBamaSsissippi.

So take a look at the scary Pro-Family Network website (check out the screwy multicultural family in the left-hand corner) and think about the last time a President was elected from Ohio. As evil as one might think our Federales might be, it's clear to me we have much more to worry about when we unleash the brain-drained power of our own Ohio citizenry...

Red Scare

2006-02-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

Once I came to the conclusion that blogging incessantly was basically masturbation, I needed to shut down for awhile. So sorry for no January posts because I was busy trying to do things more and think about things less. Or, more accurately, write less about the things I was thinking about more.

But what of the world of insolents and indigents screaming about a falling sky, says I? What of the tortured Middle-Easterners and nuclear Pro-Lifer-Haters? Muhammad-esque cartoonage causing Danish flag burning, fickle press peoples pressing for Free-Dumb, and our newfound CheVez of the Southern Hemisphere warning of an invasion by our over-under-funded Military Industrial Complex. He must think his oil don't stink...

What to make of warrantless spying and backpack bombings? Scooter on trial and both sides of the aisle shouting in denial? Got some snaps of Abramoff passing bags of cash to YOUR local Indian racetrack betting parlor? Alito and wifey all muddied up because he's gotta be Darth Mutherfucking Maul, RIGHT...?

Can we make a resolution to resolve to talk more about negotiating a truthless truce with Osambo Bin Abenimijahamalbadinjad or whoeverthefuck that Mr. Iran guy is? At least he's got some resolve to his resolutions. And if he doesn't watch his radical Islamo-Lookin' Like Pat Robertson-Fascist-Ass Self, somebody might threaten to talk about resolving to issue a stern warning, followed by a second sterner warning, then possible referral to a council of Smarty Pantses who are the absolute BEST at talking about warnings!!

Fighting, fighting everywhere. We're either with us or against us.

Are you Pro-Life or Anti-George? Do you support our troops or are you against Alaskan oil fields? Pro-Choice or pregnant in the kitchen? Gun Control or Crystal Cathedral? Gay Marriage or Abu Ghraib? Free for everyone, everyone free, or everyone for themselves? 401K contributions or 700 Club donations? Does YOUR car run or geothermal-bio-corn-wheatgrass-solar milkshakes, or are YOU a planet-smasher? Do Ted Kennedy, Cindy Sheehan, Rush Limbaugh, and Ted Nugent swim in YOUR main-stream?

Scream louder, please. Sharpen that finger for super-intense pointing sessions. Get rid of that old coal stove in your shanty 'cuz my new rhetoric-burning stove stays way hotter way longer.

Have you ever seen OZ? I mean that great prison show formerly on HBO, silly... not Detroit. They called the young gay sexslut boys in prison PRAGS. I think PRAG was an insult meant to reference the term PRAGMATIC. Why? Well it seems that there are fewer and fewer pragmatic peoples out there in our www.world.net because, apparently, YOU'RE A FLIPPIN' SISSY ASS FAGBOY/GIRL/TRANSGENDERED CITIZEN if you can't pick a side of the line and stomp your feet and throw insinuations at the fucks on the other side.

All these things do I ponder daily almost as much as the brain cells I do squander daily. And seeing as masturbation - on the occasional occasion - can be fun (and even somebody might look in rarely) I shall once again slather on the greezy grease to spew load after load of sometimes thoughtful prag sissyboy shit because, really, I can't find the line - MY line; and when I find MY line I'm turnin' it into a circle.

And you're either IN my circle, or you're OUT of my circle.
Or you're ON my circle.

And trust me, Gold Circle was GREAT place to shop...

Depressed Ex-Steelmill WorkersAnd Ford Plant RetireesDo Not Buy ArtUnless It's On Velvet

2005-12-21T12:08:00.000-05:00

I did this wine tasting in Lorain this Sunday for my friend Mindi. She has a gallery out in Lorain
called Artisans Cove.
This was a benefit thing for the YMCA womens' program and a chance for Lorain artists to sell some stuff before Christmas. It was held at the Lorain Palace Theatre, which is this beautiful old restored early 1900's theater.

There were four or five artists there and some really decent art. I sent in about $800 worth of wine for the event. They were expecting over 100 people.

Alas, only about 15 people showed up and I sold about $70 worth of wine. And that's not the bad part. Mindi doesn't think she'll be able to keep her gallery open (which is a story not at all unfamiliar to mine artsy friends) because Lorain is such a crappy arts town.
So for all you starving Cleveland artists out there, I have but one piece of advice:
DON'T MOVE TO LORAIN.

The highlight of the afternoon was, for me, the lighting of the big chandelier in the theatre. Fully restored and perfectly clean, it was pretty cool.
So if you can't support your artist friends in Cleveland, and you can't support your artist friends in Lorain,
at least you could go see a play or somethin'...

Baby Too Cold

2005-11-18T09:03:00.000-05:00

I was lucky enough to be on I90 yesterday morning when they Highway Patrl closed her down for about two hours. So after an hour of playing Jawbreaker on my Pocket PC, I decided to snap some pics of the carnage (or whatever was left of the carnage).
Crushed cars, flipped tractor-trailers, lots of cars slid into the median. All the joys of a northern Ohio winter laid upon us before Thanksgiving, even!

Flippin' da Rig

When Big Truck Fall, MOVE YO CAR!!

And that night on the way home about 8pm, I ended up getting stuck in a huge traffic backup in the same spot heading the opposite direction. Turns out there was a whole crew of guys out there cleaning up all the shit that fell out of this flipped over truck and putting it on a flatbed for takeaway. Lots of shards of scrap metal and lumber.

And whatever happened to the band called The Wonder Stuff?

Didn't they suck?

Sensitive Vegetarian Warning

2005-11-13T12:25:00.000-05:00

Went to Charles and Hilary's farm for a goat roast Saturday afternoon. Ironically enough, the name of the goat they slaughtered was Crunchy.
This was a slow, lazy, sexist Greek-Stylre roast. The guys stuff the goat with wine, oil, herbs, and feta. Then they sit around by the fire all day and get drunk.
The women stay in the house and cook.
We were nice enough to let the women come outside and drink with us. Alas, the liquor store in Conneaut doesn't sell Ouzo, so the magic just wasn't there...

Crunchy Earns His Nickname

Sarah Lickin' Her Chaw

I tried to think of the proper caption for the above picture, but nothing appropriate came to mind.

Maybe, "Thanks, Crunchy...".

And how did a five year old and an eight year old living out in the country already figure out these ghetto-style cheerleader hoochie moves?

2005-11-12T10:36:00.000-05:00

Congratulations to me for going over one month without a blog post! The roof project is about 90% complete and there ain't no snow in Cleveburg yet.
We have managed to get into mid-November without turning our furnace on. My bill this month was actually LESS than last year's bill for October. Ya just gotta get used to wearing three sweaters, smartwools, and a stocking cap in the house. In fact, it's usually warmer outside our house than inside.

Anyway, before I get to actually blogging about anything worth blogging about, I'd like to pre-empt the onslaught of Spamments that will follow within a half-hour of a new post being added. So here are some great Spamments by some people who really, really, REALLY liked my blog:

Wow! Your blog is so informative and cool! You might be interested in my blog about Revivalist Typefaces!!!

I see from your blog that you like dogs and music. Nothing could be more familiar to a dog and music lover than my website. I hope you enjoy!

I have been looking all over the intranet and your site seems to be the best one ever! However, I consider my site to be close to yours in quality and content. Tell me what you think...

There you have it. No need to Spamment me any further. I've pre-Spammented myself. But thanks anyway to all of you who troll the web daily looking for great sites to comment on about how they're really so cool.

On with the show, we can help you...

Must admit, I've had a week of which I remember very little about work. My dear friends Crispy and T-Bud each made some killer baked goods with a special butter I had given them. Crispy made oatmeal bars and T-Bud made rosemary-lavender crackers. So each and every morn I wake up and eat a healthy breakfast and space the day away. Along the way, I've been able to feed the masses of friends and help them all space the days away.

Spaceout time is over, kidz. Let's all gear up for a commercialized Santastic holiday season full of Old Navy jingles and SadSackSantas. Ribbon cut with cleaver and gift wrap burned like your November pay. Long distance drives to see Grandma Wrinkles and Drunk Uncle Blatz stuffing the turkey and creaming the corn. Oil-based sleigh loaded full of diesel and cast Jap plasticrap (now made in Mexico). Salt the steps, salt the walk, salt the ham (spiral sliced, of course) and assault the goddamn bell-ringer standing out front of Wal-Town Shop-A-Daze. Two dollar gas, three dollar gas, thousand dollar gas bills, and all of the above. Take the kiddies crunch-crunching through the tundra to axe-whack a greenly-painted Frazier Fur for $42.50 plus parking. Drive careful now, cuz in Cleveburg when the snow falls, the stupid falls with it. Worry not, dear Northern-Ohio-ers, swuzzling ice-cold Guinness from plastic cups and a windy parade down the Corridor await you in only four months...

And to the sometimes-muse-artiste, I'll throw this back at you because everything I've done a million times before on the Infro-net sometimes seems suddenly new and different than how it always is before.

1. What is your middle name?
E. You'll take a hundred guesses and never know.

2. What color underwear are you wearing now?
Do boxers really count as underwear or are they just a lazy man's swim trunks?

3. What are you listening to right now?
Apples being chopped on the cutting board. It's apple pie day! Plus, wife made me take out the Beta Band cd I was listening to.

4. What are the last two digits in your phone number?
I wish I could honestly answer this with 'Garfield One'...

5. What was the last thing you ate?
From scratch banana pancakes made with Alton Brown's Good Eats recipe.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Some shade of green. But only the large crayons like the kindy-gardners use.

7. How is the weather right now?
Perfect for harvesting the last of your soybeans.

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ken Mullins.

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Whether they're really the opposite sex, or are they just foolin'? After that, it's all beauty and nuance.

10. Favorite type of food?
Fish or shellfish, raw.

11. Do you drink?
Yes. Out of cups even!

12. Do you smoke?
Cannabis and the occasional salmon.

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember what you did?
Not since the hazy, carefree days of Berea High School.

14. Hair color?
That sandy blonde/brown sort of thing the girls go wild for.

15. Eye color?
The vaunted Hazel.

16. Do you wear contacts?
Nay.

17. Favorite Holiday?
July 4th and surrounding days.

18. Favorite Month?
July, probably.

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
No. There's always been some reason.

20. What was the last movie you watched?
Dear Frankie.

21. Favorite Day of the Year?
July 4th.

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
The cruel married paradox: Was too shy when I was single. Five years of marriage and I'd love to ask someone (or some-ones) out. I mean, other than asking a buddy to go out to the bar.

23. If you can say something to someone right now what would it be?
"Jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton."

24. Hugs or Kisses?
Yes.

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Chocolate.

26. left or right?
Right.

27. Favorite Donut flavor?
Boston Creme.

28. ketchup or mustard?
Mustard. Dijon.

29. What books are you reading?
Fantastic Mr.Fox.

30. Piercings?
Zero to six in HS back to zero now.

31. Favorite Movie?
The Good The Bad and The Ugly.

32. Favorite football Team?
Cleveland Browns Football.

33.What were you doing before this?
Making banana pancakes from scratch.

34. Any pets?
Twelve goats, twenty-five chickens, fifteen ducks, seven cats, two dogs, and one semi-lost rabbit.

35. Wendys or Taco Bell?
Sadly, I must choose the Bell.

36. Butter, Plain, Sweet or Salted popcorn?
Light salt.

37. Dogs or cats?
Dogs.

38. Favorite Flower?
Cannabis Sativa.

39 Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Yes.

40. Are you taken or single?
Taken. But sometimes I think both me and the wife are working on single.

41. Have you ever REALLY loved someone?
Sure.

42. Who would you like to see right now?
The whole gang of my friends partying down together and causing a ruckus!

43. what's your fav color?
Please refer to the crayon question above.

44. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yes.

45. Do you like to travel by plane?
No. Airports are like commercial gulags.

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right.

47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
Buddha. I bet that guy had some good answers!

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
One.

49. Are you missing someone?
The sensible, reasonable portion of myself.

50. Do you have a Tattoo?
Yes.

There you go, kidz. Email this to about 99 of your friends and if they have any sense at all, they'll delete this before it even gets read. But in the interest of Blogsturbation, I hoodwinked myself into doing this.

Now go do something useful, nerd.

Mr. Yoder Wishes His HouseLooked THIS cool...

2005-10-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

My lack of bloggability lately has been due to the massive undertaking at our 105 year old house which involves replacing our shingle roof with a nifty metal roof. All the Amish folks out here have nice metal roofs and we thought they looked way better than more crappy shingles, so we found the Amish metal guy and bought some metal roof stuff.

We didn't relalize our house wasn't going to cooperate with us and putting on a roof isn't as easy as just putting on a roof.

Charles On The Roof

This is our carpenter friend Charles. He is helping us with the roof. As you can see, the red shingles are totally rotted and they fly off in a heavy wind. The picture above is of the left-hand portion of our house only, but the taller portion has the same shingles.

No problem, tear them off and slap down your metal, right?

What we didn't see were the two other layers of roofing underneath. Red shingles on top of green shingles in top of tar paper on top of rolled asphalt on top of tar paper.
Wood underneath all that.

And Check Out That Wood...

Just a couple snaps of the firm foundation upon which all those decomposing shingles sat.
This is the original 105 year old rooftop. Originally the roof was covered in wood shakes
and the spaces between the boards was necessary.
If we were doing shingles, the entire roof would have to be re-sheathed with plywood. But since metal provides better impermeability and is much, much lighter than shingles, we just patched the worst rot in the roof.
Oh, and the brick chimney fell over. Only the shingles and flashing was keeping the gambreled chimney upright. Oh joy, what a pleasure it is to be on a high roof when your mortar decides to crumble. Sso we are replacing the chimney with a double-walled metal roof pipe.

Small Pile

This pile was small and easy to clean up. We now have many piles, all larger and more substantial. Also full of thousands of nails. I've had about two dozen through the soles of my boots so far.

Tetanus tastes so sweet...

Purlin

Got this killer underlayment called Sharkskin. It's a million times better than old-fashioned tarry felt paper.
You can use this stuff for up to a year as your roof with no roof on your roof.
On top of the Sharkskin we laid 1x4 purlins across the house horizontally every 18 inches.
You screw your metal panels down to these.

Vocabulary time again:

Main Entry: pur·lin
Pronunciation: 'p&r-l&n
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
: a horizontal member in a roof

So it's not real specific about which horizontal member of the roof, but you get the idea.

Snappy Cap

We hired some country-boy experts to lay down the metal because rain was coming Wednesday and Charles and I were both busy until Friday. To find these gouys, I looked in the local yokel paper called 'The Messenger'. In the classifieds, they have a handyman section and under the ROOFING section I found
In His Name Construction.

Not shittin' you.

His name was Dale. His brother's name was Doug.
They talked real. real soft - like they were in church...
His company motto on his business card was,

I can do all through things through Christ.

Not shittin' you.

So I figured although I'm not a religious guy, you can't go wrong hiring a good Christian man to do your roofing work. And the roof looks pretty flippin' good.

Problems, Always Problems

This is where the two major sections of my house meet. The section on the left is and addition to the original saltbox-style house. You can see the big triangular crevasse two inches deep in my house. This is where an old side porch used to be built onto the house. They must have torn this off to make room for the left-side addition.

Anyway, this has proved to be a bitch to deal with and we'll have to use the Sawzall and lots of Black Caulk to fix everything.

Flipside

This is the other side of the addition.
All the cedar shingle siding was water damaged and had to be torn off.

T-111 has become my new best friend.
If you have no clue what I'm talking about, consider yourself a lucky homeowner.
Like I said, there's WAY more to doing a roof than just doing a roof...

So I'll have a big Green Roof Party sometime after we're all through, but for now the blogtalk is slow and the yard is a mess and the money flows to hardware stores and Home Depot like water.

From Coe to Conneaut

2005-09-30T09:32:00.000-05:00

Got a new dog.
She's a huntin' dog, baby. Now mind you, we are vegetarian for the most part and we definitely don't hunt, but this dog sure will! She took out one of our chickens pronto, and then stood there with a dead chicken in her mouth not knowing what to do...

Menudo

We found this purebred German Shorthaired Pointer roaming around our country neighborhood and like the nice guy I am, I sent my Pitbull mix, Skunk-a-Doodle, outside to show this roaming dog a thing or two about just who runs the neighborhood.
Much to my surprise, old Skunk not only didn't attack this dog, but she kind of adopted this dog.
So we figured since the old Skank liked her enough, we'd keep her.

Based on the fact that this young female looks to have already had a litter of pups and she's not housetrained and she has callouses on her elbows from laying in a cage constantly, we figure she's an escapee from a puppy mill. We put up some signs, just in case she belongs to a hunter in the area, but nobody's called to claim her.

The wife named her Mandy, but when our daughter came home, she kept dropping the D and calling her Manny. And I like Manny better than Mandy. So we concurred that Menudo would be her official dog name, but we'd call her Manny for short.

Conneaut Creek Collage

And here I'll insert a little rant about how blogger has rendered itself impotent by doing away with the happy, easy-to-use program called Hello. Now all my picture posts are going to be inserted collage-style becausthe blogger HTML editor is amateurish and the photo upload process is antagonizingly slow. How easily and quickly Hello uploaded pictures to blog. How efficiently I was once able to interface and manipulate text and images on my blog.
Now we get one-by-one photo uploading and crappily written HTML. Hello?

Here are some pics of a kayak afternoon on Coe Lake in Berea...

Big Ass Bass

These kids caught a really bigass Largemouth Bass. Already talking like seasoned fishermen,
they told me I shoulda seen the ones they caught earlier.

Do ya think Coe Lake fish are safe to eat?

Nuptial Knuckleheads

No kayak trip would be complete without crashing a wedding and launching our kayaks.
I did give the groom a dirty look as if to say,
"What the fuck are you thinking, brother? I'll let you use my kayak if you want to row across the lake and make a quick getaway and save yourself..."

But the groom didn't catch my look and is married by now...

At first some big chump tried to tell us we couldn't launch our boats and we were like,
"Oh, cool! You rented the whole lake too?"
And then he shut the fuck up and let us launch our boats...

Gettin' Shittily in Little Italy

2005-09-19T22:12:00.000-05:00

Here's just a couple shots from the Taste of Little Italy...

David Lynch Meets Young Tom Cruise

Here's Cleveland Mayoral candidate David Lynch pressing the flesh with our young salesman who I call Young Tom Cruise (think Risky Business or The Color of Money).

I tried to think of a snide movie reference just to be an ass but just wasn't quick enough to quip about Sting's mis-casting in Dune, or the obviously autobiographical nature of Eraserhead.

Friendly Bearded Guy

Here's Cleveland Mayoral candidate Robert Triozzi likewise pressing flesh and looking
artificially somewhat amused.

Two predictions:

1. Robert Triozzi will NOT be the next Mayor of Cleveland.

2. If Robert Triozzi should become the next Mayor of Cleveland thereby invalidating my first super-accurate prediction he will die of a heart attack.

And he will be smiling just as he is in the above photo...

That's A Fucking More Ay

This is the completely bombastic Benny D'Agostino.

I like to refer to him as The Suited Fat Travolta With Hair Plugs.

If you like to listen to Dean Martin-style Italian songs sung out of tune at incredible volume with an accompanying CD playing the big band parts, this is the man for your next wedding or funeral. Fucking unbelievable.

I also have video of Rocco Scotti contorting the Star Spangled Banner into an
unidentifiable a capella incantation. Soon enough I'll figure out how to post video...

Let It Be......rea Arts Fest

2005-09-12T01:18:00.000-05:00

Went to the the Berea Arts Fest on Sunday.

This has to be one of the most ho-hum, unchallenging, consumer-oriented mainstream art show ever. Don't look for any challenging pieces or installations here, no no. And definitely don't look for any young, cutting-edge, dynamic Cleveland artists here, either.
But if you're a middle-aged mom from Strongsville who just happens to be good at making crap out of beads or clay or broken glass, well then set your tent up and sell sell sell.

Some of the best art was the kids' sidewalk art.
There were actually some thoughtful 9/11-type tribute pieces chalked on the sidewalk. Lots of peace signs and SpongeBob too.

These were some of the mildly interesting and somewhat creative efforts at this otherwise Cain-Park-Look-Alike-Ish Fest. I think the most challenging thing I saw while I was there was the Pop Shop Art For a Quarter Machine.

I like the idea of quarter art.

And how lucky was I to see the Fake John and the Fake George strutting toward the bandstand to perform Eight Days A Week...

It was hot and uncomfortably crowded with old people and crappy silver earrings and lots of watercolors of barns and trees and waterfalls and stuff and I missed the Browns game for THIS?

Jus the Facts, Ma'am

2005-09-02T22:35:00.000-05:00

Because I absolutely love and adore (and some times stare too much at) my girl BG, I choose to accept her tag (as in plaing a game of tag) and will randomly spew forth five things about me or whatever me wants you to think about me...

I mowed my lawn today using a diagonal trajectory going NNW to SSE. I have a four week mowing pattern so the lines in my lawn are always crissing and crossing. That's two seperate facts in one paragraph. Lucky you, you get six facts.
Dislikes include three-pronged forks, crusty glass pipes (wipe e'm clean kids, it's easy), people with two first names (Phil Harvey, James Joyce, Larry David, David Bruce, etc...), coffee with cream left in a cup on the counter to develop a thin layer of mold, and people who think they're gonna change the world, but don't know how to change themselves.
I believe in the power of water. You gotta read Dr. Masaru Emoto to understand.
I keep four separate piggy banks - divided by coin type, of course.
Some day I'm gonna have the balls to tell everybody I've ever known everything I always wanted to say to him/her. But right now too much truth hurts...

Even though she may look dark and sinister to most, Bridget always brightens my day. So a slap on the back for you, Ginley. And now I'll continue this silly bloggernet bullshit by tagging...

Shannon Shenanigan

&

R3TR0

The Pizza Incident

2005-08-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

We had our big pig roast and wine extravaganza at our warehouse this Sunday.
I think we had about 100-125 people. These are just some random shots of drinkers.

Lots of drinking was the game of the day. We probably had close to 100 bottles open, so virtually every person there could have drank his own bottle.

The funniest story I heard was that a trio of young guys came down and were intently tasting the rieslings and were actually high-fiving when they found a really good one.

Who high-fives for good wine?

The food got rave reviews. Unfortunately, I worked so hard I had not the time to get anything more than a cheese plate. The main course was the pig pictured above.

So after we clean up the warehouse and get everything back together, six of us went out to get some beers and cheap bar food. We went to a place in Twinsburg called Rav's Creekside Tap-House. From left to right you see Chuck, Rachel, David, Brian, Lex Luthor, and I'm taking the pics.

So we get a couple pitchers of Labatt and after about fifteen minutes, we order a large pie. And we wait. We made it through about four more pitchers before Rachel started to complain. I mean, I've gotten delivery pizza in less than a half hour, and we made it a full 45 minutes before we started to bitch.

And our poor waitress girl could only make silly excuses while we semi-drunkenly bitch at her. It was a nice kind of bitching, mind you. We finally browbeat her into comping us a pitcher of beer and thusly we were pacified for about seven more minutes.
But Rachel was getting antsy, so at the one hour mark, she decided to go find the chef.

And Rachel went into the back and found the chef/bartender and started giving him an earful and we were informed that Rav's Creekside had not a pizza oven, oh no. They cook their pizzas in a standard, conventional kitchen oven.

And the waitress brought the chef/bartender out to explain the situation and Rachel was demanding the owner's name and phone number and whatnot, and we were kind of drunk and acting like assholes.

And just when we were about to get up and leave (at 1 hour and 15 minutes) the chef/bartender brought out our delicious pie and proudly announced that he'd called the owner, and the owner said the pizza was on the house.

So we take one look at this pizza, and we realize it's still raw underneath. You could actually pick up the pizza pan with your bare hands. And this was after over one hour in the oven!
So when you're pissed and hungry, there's only one logical thing to do...

I cannot say this strongly enough:
If you are in or around the vicinity of Twinsburg, Ohio
and you are hungry
do not
DO NOT
DO NOT
order pizza at Rav's Creekside...

2005-08-26T10:12:00.000-05:00

I was looking at some old stuff on ebay and I ran across some McDonalds paraphernalia. Now most of us who grew up with McDonalds remember all the silly characters like Birdie, the Hamburglar, and Grimace. But the one who gets lost in all this is Mayor McCheese.
In fact, it seems as though the McDonalds corporation has distanced itself from Mayor McCheese since the early '80's.
I just want to know what the fuck is wrong with Mayor McCheese and what's a guy gotta do to get some respect for Mayor McCheese?

Wanker

2005-08-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

So I've been away for awhile but only mentally and only bloggibly speaking. I mean, I am alive and think I was feeling just sappily melancholy and generally in a who the fuck cares mood. Ya know, it can bum you out a little to work for the man and have business interactions that are, for the most part, lies and manipulations. So I start on that downward spiral where you wake up in a foul mood and alas that is your comfort zone and soon enough it feels uncomfortable to feel positive about your state and you only feel OK when you feel bad. And then you bring all your pals down with you.

So that's where I was but because I control all that I see and all that I don't see, I have risen above it and determined that it's better to be with friends and celebrate than to commiserate. Right before you die, when you're laying on your deathbed or whatever, you'll probably relish even the worst memory of your life and wish you would've put your heart into every second you ever had.And I don't write that to be some know-it-all prophet wanker, but just to say enjoy your life more and be a sour jerkoff less.

So this is, in semi-sequential order, a random smattering of things that I have seen and done while not blogging for a fortnight.

BitterTed

Took Bitter Girl to Blue Point for raw gulp-ables from the sea dripped with lemon juice and dallopped with horseradish. Always a pleasure to see Ted, the Yang to Bridget's Yin or is she the Yang? Ted sells wine but the bottles he sells are bigger.Bigger bottles means better wine.

Witty banter peppered with sullen reminisces of a school career gone horribly wrong was the order of the evening. And it was nice to re-acquaint with Bitter Girl after a long hiatus.

County Fair

Took wife and daughter to the Ashtabula County Fair for a Friday night of unrivaled fun. Since everybody in the world has probably been to a county fair at some point, I'll tell you this fair was just like that one you went to. I must say that deep-fry technology has advanced to the point where virtually everything can now be served fried on a plate or stick. Never saw so many teenage girls dress like HOs in my life.

Friendly Neighbors

Our friend Hilary and her daughter Indigo came over to visit. They live two miles away and also have a farm. They don't own a TV or a washer and dryer.

One time, when my daughetr was going to sleep over at Indigo's house, I asked Indigo what they were going to do late at night. Indigo got all excited and said, "Maybe we'll stay up real late and read some extra books..."
I had to wonder how I could let my innocent child hang out with a ruffian like Indigo.

Fresh Trash

The oysters were Fresh, as was Frankie. The bar was trash.

Boy Schullo and I sat at the tapas bar and ordered up a dozen oysters. They were good and cheap but he wanted a burger, so we went to a trashy bar called Kepner's and got bar food.
All in the genteel hamlet of Hudson, Ohio.

Captain Fantasy

No story just make it up as you like...

Some pictures I took of the moon.
The moon is normally pretty mild-mannered.
I didn't tell the moon I was taking pictures
but the tripod made it pretty obvious.

So there you have it, cats. A simple peek at trying to be simple. I kind of wish I had the energy to be a blog blaster and write page after thrilling page about the state of the world and our town and the good old days and crap, but really I'm trying to take a step back and experience it more and complain about it less, cuz it is what it is and you are who you are until you aren't and you and I make it happen...

Crazy For Crazy Glue

2005-08-06T08:36:00.000-05:00

Holy Moses (Cleveland)!

If the Italians can test the water in the Po and figure out the whole country is coked up, I wonder when the Cleveland water officials will determine that Lake Erie is actually 85% Crystal Meth...

Fizzy Lifting Drinks

2005-07-24T14:38:00.000-05:00

Went to the drive-in on Saturday night to see Fantastic Four and Charlie & the Chocolate Factory. Fantastic Four was predictably mundane, with mucho special effects and an anticlimactic storyline. Last week, the schedule was Charlie & the Chocolate Factory at 9pm, and another movie at 11pm, but I suspect that tons of people up and left after the first movie last week, so this week they put Charlie in the 11pm spot, thereby forcing people to sit through the first movie and spend more dough at the concession stand. At least the food was really cheap. We bought nachos, mozz. stix, onion rings, candy, more candy, and a drink all for $8. The management here really needs to learn how to rape their customers properly.

Now about Charlie & the Chocolate Factory: Johnny Depp is great, as are most of the supporting actors. The movie itself is WAY more creepy than the Gene Wilder version, and the creepiest thing is the unavoidable siomilarity between some of the personality traits of Willy Wonka and Michael Jackson. Whether by design or by coincidence, Johnny Depp's portrayal of Willy Wonka has been tainted by the real-life personality defects of Michael Jackson. Try as I might, I couldn't help but be freaked out by the similarities between Willy and the King of Pop.

I must say, however, that the character development of Augustus Gloop and Mike TV was darker and deeper than the original version of this movie.

Overall, I would say that going to the drive-in out in Hicksville USA is a big event on a Saturday night. And it's kind of like a tailgate party.

It's also really easy to bring in beer and pot...

Would you say that she's happier than a pig in shit?

I'm No Fucking Buddhist

2005-07-23T17:03:00.000-05:00

Alright, I gotta respond to my boy Retro's post concerning the concept of fighting terrorism. I completely disagree that you cannot fight terrorism because it is a tactic, and not a defined group of people. Let's try and lay this out logically.

The USA is the World Police, right? You say it, I say it, we all know it. Like it or hate it, agree or disagree with this policy, but our military is dispersed around the world enforcing our brand of law. So let's take that basic premise and liken it to your local police force.

Nobody ridicules your local cops from using the phrase 'fighting crime'. Crime is not a defined act, just a catchall phrase that describes a huge variety of misdeeds. And just as those misdeeds can enumerated and described individually, so can the acts of terrorists be enumerated and described as terrorist acts. So if the notion of fighting terrorism is preposterous, so must be the notion of fighting crime.

Those who commit crime are also not a defined group of people. And of course we know not who they might be, or what crime they might commit, before it occurs. But that doesn't stop our local police from attempting to pre-empt criminal acts. Likewise, the inability of our World Police Force to define the exact group responsible for a given terrorist act should in no way dissuade them from attempting to pre-empt terrorist acts.

And when you local coppers pull you over, do you submit because you agree with their ideology? Do you stand in the street and start fires and throw rocks because they're butting into your life and your affairs? Does it really matter what you think? The distinct and sole purpose of local police is to enforce rules; To interject themselves into your personal affairs and enforce upon you the law, whether you dig it or not. You don't have to respect the police. You don't have to agree with what they say. But yer gonna do what they say or be swamped with physical trauma.So when we dispatch our World Police to other parts of the world where the local police have no control and genocide is the norm, it really doesn't matter whether they want the World Police there or not. It's completely irrelevant whether you or I or they believe our military should even BE the World Police. They're there, and you better fuckin' submit or be swamped with SERIOUS HURT.

And what about talking and reasoning with these undefinable 'criminals/terrorists'? What about changing your own practices and ideologies to appease those who so violently oppose you? If your local police used these methods, they'd be negotiating with murderers and crackheads and gang members and child molesters. Your local coppers would be having roundtable meetings to figure out what THEY did to turn these downtrodden innocents into criminals. We'd be looking for root causes while coddling people who've violated laws and committed violence upon others.

Yes, after arrests are made, I too believe in providing help to people who would like to 'reform' and become a civil member of society. And yes, there may be root causes which could compel somebody to turn from regular to criminal. But the bottom line is still this: Break law, cop put you in jail.

Why is it so difficult for those haters here in our own country to grasp the concept that is equally simple: Shoot at American Soldier, you get killed. Our soldiers are not inciting violence by continuing to attack people who don't want us controlling them any more than the police are inciting violence by continuing to enforce laws upon people who don't want those laws enforced upon them. If that logic held true, we could reduce crime in the worst neighborhoods simply by removing police from those communities. Leave 'em alone, and they'll all go back to their peaceful lives, just like before the cops came in.

And the notion that our leaders are too stupid or dense to understand why the numbers of insurgents keeps increasing is also missing the point. It doesn't really matter whether there's more insurgents or less insurgents, just as it doesn't matter whether there's more criminals or less criminals. The goal isn't really to eradicate the criminals/terrorists/insurgents, but to get them to STOP KILLING PEOPLE. And if YOU saw somebody kill another person, would you say to yourself, "Leave him alone and he'll probably just stop killing."?

Really, what it boils down to is Americans who have such shame in themselves and their country because they truly believe America is, has been, and always will be responsible for the ills of the world. People who are forever looking for the root cause of the root cause of the root cause of the root cause while ignoring basic laws of humanity: There are some Bad, BAD, BAD people out there who kill because they can. And they've been killing for alot longer than our piddlyshit country has been in existence. And even after we're gone, they'll continue to kill because that's what their God tells them to do to infidels. Ya can't reason with that any more than you could reason with Charles Manson or Ted Kaczynski. But I'm sure that won't stop these sad, sorry multiculturalists from trying to figure out what WE did wrong to make Manson kill Sharon Tate...

Stuck Trucker

2005-07-22T13:54:00.000-05:00

Hey, how's about we just drop your new house off at the curb...?

Shag Town

2005-07-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

Went to a private party at the Falls Grille in Chagrin Falls (formerly Chag Town).

Chef Joseph, one of the co-owners (he's the silent one).

Chef Tim O. He's the much less than silent one...

Exhausted waitress/bar girl on the right, Lee - the resident wino on the left.

And the band played on.

I'm Lovin' It !!!!!

2005-07-13T21:45:00.000-05:00

It's time for a quick economics lesson.

One of the first things you learn about the law of supply and demand is that things are usually worth exactly what you pay for them. In order that we might sell those things, we attempt to add value through promotion, manipulation of perspective, and deception.

So we get a nice article in the PD this week about the arrival of the vaunted Napa Creek wines, affectionately referred to by Trader Joe's aficianados as Four Buck Fred - the Evil Big Brother of the vaunted Two Buck Chuck...

Of course, here in Ohio they'll sell for about $6 and the drones who populate the whitebread suburbs of northern Ohio will flock to TJ's to pick this stuff up much like Jews flock to Mogen David during Passover. The general attitude of these mindless wine zombies is that they're getting some kind of super-extra good deal simply because the wine is being sold by Trader Joe's. As these fools pull forth into the TJ's parking lot in their Mercedes' and Lexus' with zombie-arms outstretched, they chant the praises of this great quality wine at unbelievably low prices.

Let's debunk this misconception point-by-point.

1. Why would any consumer pay $3.50 for a wine that has the phrase Two Buck in the name? The wine may be worth every penny of two bucks, but you're suspending reality if you overlook the fact that you're being ripped off right to your face (and that's just TJ's I'm talking about, the taxes are another thing).

2. If the stuff really tasted like a $10 wine - I mean a GOOD $10 wine - they'd try and get ten bucks for it. As a corporation whose foremost purpose is to earn maximum profit, it is unlikely that TJ's is defying the principles of capitalism by voluntarily giving you a deal. The scenario is that TJ's is paying pennies per bottle and is thusly able to maximize margin while convincing you that you're getting something for nothing.

3. For all the Two Buck Chuck Loyalists out there: What are you thinking? Surely, when it comes to wine, you have gladly sacrificed quality for a deal. Yet many of you TJ's shoppers drive luxury cars and have million dollar homes and college educations. You'd be offended if I told you Cleveland State was as good as Dartmouth, but just cost alot less. You'd scoff if I suggested you trade your Mercedes for a Cavalier.

My God! I've just identified the essence of the Crapass Two Buck Chuck Fuck: You drink Silver Oak when the friends are over, and guzzle HOMOGENOUS GARBAGE when nobody's looking.

Would you REALLY get shoes at PayLess Shoe Source and then rave about the quality and pat yourself on the back for being a savvy shopper? (thanks BG)

Quoted below is the nice Plain Dealer article that tells you where to get your fix, moron:

Eastward flow!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Amanda Garrett
Plain Dealer Reporter

Feel that gentle reverberation? It's the latest buzz approaching from the West.

Two-buck Chuck - the darling of dollar-wise wine drinkers, the bane of sommeliers - has a cousin.
Its label reads Napa Creek, but some folks are already calling it Four-buck Fred - Four bucks because that's how much it costs in its home state of California, and Fred because vintner Fred Franzia is pushing it to market through Trader Joe's stores.

Of course, it will cost more than $4 in Ohio - more than in any other state because of Ohio's mandatory markups benefiting wine distributors and retailers.
But even at $6.29, it's a bargain.

Many Napa Valley wines, which must contain 85 percent grapes from that Northern California region, sell for five and six times that.
So how does Franzia do it? He's cashing in on an anti-trend, of sorts. Too many vintners, entrepreneurs and half- baked artisans tried to ride the wave of the California wine craze. Now there are too many vines, too many grapes.

Franzia is buying up the excess and churning out batches of cheap, wildly popular wine. How many bottles he sells is unclear. Trader Joe's, the exclusive distributor, declines to say.

But the Trader Joe's in Woodmere sometimes runs out of Two-buck Chuck because people from as far away as Pittsburgh buy out the inventory, said Audrey Dumper, a spokeswoman for Trader Joe's. (Two-buck Chuck sells in California for $1.99. It's $3.39 here.)
Napa Creek - merlot and chardonnay - should arrive at Ohio Trader Joe's locations in coming weeks.
If you want to try it, buy it early on, Dumper said.
"It seems this wine has a buzz going on around it, not fueled by us," Dumber said.

So the REAL question you should ask:

Is the last name of the spokesgirl for Trader Joe's Dumper or Dumber??

Am I the only one who thinks these last names are fitting?

Americans are Pigs; All Praise Allah

2005-07-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

So the only question I have is when we will find out the details of his demented plan? Since most of the wacked out blog kidz out there are already convinced GWB knew about this London train/bus bombing thing, the only question left is who were George Bush's accomplices and how did he manage to plant those bombs and still make it to the G8 Summit?

Since we have the lunatic fringe calling for the prosecution of the Prez and our troops as war criminals, wouldn't the next logical step be to seek out the leaders of the Terrorist Party and invite them to a summit so we can negotiate to give these innocents a homeland and voting rights? These downtrodden and thoroughly tortured uindividuals deserve no less than food stamps and college tuition paid for with the tax dollars of us, the War Criminal Nation.

But what about the decapitation of kidnapped foreigners in Iraq and Afghanistan, you ask?

Small beans when compared to the cruel stress positions those poor souls at Guantanamo had to endure.

And how to counter train bombings in London and Madrid?

Imprison those being bombed (they're all from war criminal countries anyway) to make more room for the schools we'll build to bring radical Islam into the twenty-first century. Free governments could start intensive Radical Imam training and soon after the standardized Islam testing can begin. Once enough American troops are imprisoned, we could enact the No Suicide Bomber Left Behind law. And thusly we could assure that every young child could be safely indoctrinated with pure hatred for America and all the warmongering white males that populate this land. That would fit right in with the current leftist ideology in America because isn't that what most False Liberals are teching their own children?

Just as white America is responsible for the inability of black people to progress (since it is the white man who keeps the brothers down) so is white America responsible for bombings in London, and plane crashes in New York, and poverty in Africa, and AIDS, and destruction in Iraq, and little terrorist children in Syria, and global warming, and tornadoes and floods and avian flu and SARS.

In fact, until we as Evil Warmongering Imperialist Capitalist Gluttonous American Pigs realize we are the truest evil and voluntarily destroy our own country, nobody else on the planet may ever know peace or prosperity.

So I'll be the first to suggest that we all voulntarily go down to our local penitentiary and turn ourselves in and hand the keys over to the poor radical Imams and peace loving socialists. After all, they only want peace and we've kept them from it for far too long.

And hopefully they can prosecute GWB because he KNEW about the train bombs.
In fact, he planned them...
...Right after he got finished planning 9/11...

Murderers All

2005-06-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

The irony kills me.

So we have the likes of Stephanie Tubbs Jones and Dennis Kucinich rallying to save the DFAS center in downtown Cleveland while disdaining our military personnel for their general role as murderers, torturers, and conquistadors.

And don't give me any lip about how they really support our troops but not the mission. Every time a military man or woman dies in Iraq or Afghanistan, it's good news for Kucinich and his ilk. He's gotta be chompin' at the bit to give all these military bozos a big Told Ya So right about now. And with every death, the Told Ya So gets bigger.

Why would these two representatives, members of our 'educated elite', want to save the jobs of DFAS employees who basically work to make sure our murdering troops get paid? Do the war criminals who comprise our Army and Marines really deserve to get paid at all? Shouldn't they be looking to find jail space at a Guantanamo-like facility where we could imprison these murderers for their war crimes, imperialistic tendencies, and discrespect of the Holy Koran?

The More Things Change

2005-06-23T00:35:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at the Ginza Sushi House downtown with Lex Luthor discussing the corruption of Cleveland and how Mike White is basically in the free and clear while all his old cronies fall when Lex busted in about the misery of Wal Mart at Steelyard Commons. I think we had actually started discussing the political attitude toward new business ventures in Cleveland in general; how the city council and mayor talk a good game but in reality they suck shit when it comes to creativity and dynamic thought.
Council has to have their collective hands in every pie by way of union rules, residency requirements, local hiring rules, minority hiring rules, and insanely foolish ploys meant to dissuade capitalist businesses (Read WAL MART et al) from coming to Cleveland. Basically, any business that plans to come to our beloved 'burg and actually turn a profit by cutting costs and hiring low-wage employees may as well be run by the ghost of Rockefeller himself. Apparently Cleveland council somehow got the idea that this is a socialist town where the government bosses decide how to divvy up the profits and say who gets how much.
And conversely, we have a tool of a mayor who would happily give the keys to the kingdom to any business leader who throws a decent fund raiser her way and uses key phrases like 'synergy of resources' and 'bionanowhateverthefuck'. Hell, you wanna start an intramural kickball league on a brownfield? Jane will give you tax abatement for twenty years and a city vehicle to drive...
So back to speaking of the wonderful Steelyard Commons deal. Lex decries the presence of Wal Mart because, he says, we should have manufacturing jobs there.

And I ask, "Like what....? SteelMills...?" Laughing heartily whilst snorting wasabi.
And Lex says something about biotechnology or nanotechnology or some sort of ology and I do retort:

"Choice A: Wal Mart."
"Choice B: Empty old steelmill."

And again Lex begins his footloose and fancy free pipe dreams of landing a technology company like a Microsoft or Cisco or some other type of company that's way too smart to even think about sticking their well-educated asses in Cleveland.
So since we ain't gettin' any bigass cool tech company to come and resurrect the hulking shell of an industry that took too long to die, you'd think Wal Mart might just be suitable.
American company, steady and unspectacular jobs, and better medical care than is offered to most of my friends in the food and wine industries.
But nay, my friends, it seems the majority of the truly 'educated elite' would rather tell those poor brothers who live off Broadway that those jobs ain't worth havin'. It's better to be proud and unemployed than to work for what the market or evil Sambo Walton may dictate.

So when will the Mayor or council decide to just pass a law that spells out the hiring procedures of Wal Mart or any other evil nasty job-hirin', low-price-product sellin', fascist company?

I'll admit it:I look for deals. Yep, when I need some Charmin or Listerine or Boca Burgers or Evereadys or Windex or Keds, I try to find it the cheapest.
And don't deny it, you do too.
Sure, when it comes to genteel products like restaurant dining or wine or beer or diamond-encrusted tennis bracelets, I tend to look for quality and a local purveyor of goods. But when it comes to mass-produced, expendable consumer crap, I want it CHEAP!

Now traditionally the thinking has been that the unions that fight for the downtrodden, overworked slob also cause prices to inflate. This is a chapter from Econ 101 at Tri-C. But the new union line, according to the stiffs who write to the PD letters page, states that prices don't have to rise because of union employment. The solution, from what I've read, is so simple even a welfare mom from Glenville could understand it. '

Wal Mart can hire union employees if only they'd take LESS PROFIT.

Well I'll be danged. It's just that simple. This company that was started on the basic principle of making profit for those who started it should just quit with the whole 'free-market capitalist thing'. If only Wal Mart would make it company policy to just break even, we'd be all cool.

Heck, Cleveland has already proven that capitalism is only a theory, much like this 'evolution' thing. Cleveland owns lots of businesses for which residents pay alot of cash, and Cleveland pays those (union) employees really well to move lethargically and maintain a sad status-quo. And it's safe to say that this city is lucky to break even on any of its business ventures, let alone attempt to turn a profit. So altruistic are our civic leaders that they'll gladly squander loads of tax dollars to satiate every special interest group, minority group, union, and judge in town.

So thumbs-up to the flat-earthers who would stop this silly business venture from sullying the 'everything should be fair for everyone' attitude that makes Cleveland the great equalizer among rust belt cities. Maybe instead of a Wal Mart we could go and recruit a Cheesecake Factory or a Popeye's Chicken or an Auto Zone because those are the kinds of dynamic employers who have the good paying jobs and make our city rock. Michael Stanley could play for the grand opening and pass out a buck to every poor Clevelander who was wronged by the capitalist treachery of WalZilla.

So I'll continue to buy some of my consumer goods at Wal Mart because crap is crap no matter where you buy it. And if some little child starves tonight because I bought my toothpaste at a Megalomaniacal Super Destroyer Center, so be it...

Where's Mike 'Lily' White and Nate 'Greasy Palms' Gray when you really need them?

Maybe the city could sell the Steelyard site to China.
Would that mean that Wal Mart got outsourced?

Watermelon?

2005-06-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

Here's a couple pieces of freeeky art from my boy's collection.
These pieces are by Frank Kozik. Way beyond concert poster art...

The first pic here just screams Happy Fuzzy Subversion.
Note the slingshot in the kids' back pocket.
See little Johhny scar helpless Nancy for life...

And the Dunnies. Yeah, Dunnies. Singular is Dunny.
I don't know if that means Dumb Bunny or what. Pretty spooky, no?
The smoking Maos are way cool. I get the one that came with the red book,
but WHY THE WATERMELON? WHY?
The real art of these Mao things is that they are manufactured in China!!

And Little Hitler. Oh, what can I say? So cute I almost want to get one for the kid to play with.
But wait, IT'S HITLER!!

You Fold It, You Bought It

2005-06-11T22:15:00.000-05:00

I did a wine thing at a favorite local grocery on Friday night. As you can see, there were more salepeople than customers. Actually, it was like playing glorified semi-knowledgeable bartender for 20 people with a bunch of other bartenders also tending bar...

Salesfolk standing around waiting with dumbfounded expressions
hoping this whole thing is just an acid trip...

Madame

There's the nice lady who slid right on over here
from the whorehouse after putting all her bitches out for the night...
She told stories about cruisin' down the west coast in a limo
with a bunch of other Granny-Pimps on a wine tour.

She reminded me of a Sammy Davis Jr. with tits.

And I finally met the guy who owns the comic book store on The Simpsons.

"BEST...ICEWINE...EVER..."

There's Something About June 18th

2005-06-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

My very good friend Rebecca came out to the farm with her daughters to stay the night and visit. We made pizza on the grill and talked 'til late.

It was like having my best friend back for one night after ten years. I remember when she moved to suburban Illinois my junior year of high school. I remember sitting in her car in front of her house and saying goodbye the fall of '93. The only girl I'd ever wanted...
When she stepped in my house last night, it seemed like only one day had passed since that day in front of her house.
We'd been emailing for a year now, and she'd even come out for one night last year. But everything was so rushed then. I hardly remember talking to her that night. I had to leave for work early the next morning.

It was so (unnaturally) natural for her to be here with her children. How could I have gone almost ten years without ever writing or calling or anything? And she got married and me too and she had kids we did too and when we first re-connected it was like we had talked on the phone yesterday.
And I used to extoll to her her virtues and her greatness and try to make her understand the love I feel for her. I don't need to tell her because she knows what I think and probably always did and always will.
Let me put it like this: If I went to prison, she'd be the only friend I know would come to see me. More than once, that is.
We're both where we're at and it's good but it's weird to think how things we did and choices we made years ago brought us face to face under the dining room chandelier and I look into her eyes and think of mightacouldas and I'm sure she's done the same.

Our kids got along like sisters and they're beautiful and they'd never met, but like Rebecca and me, they knew each other like longtime friends anyway.

She'll come back in the fall for our massive super Labor Day blowout campout and hopefully she and the kids can stay longer. And no, there's no kinkysex threesome party going on:( I mean, I probably wouldn't be too terribly upset by that notion, but I certainly haven't the huevos to call a round table discussion with the wife and friend(s) for that one...

So yeah, sometimes there's a slight quickening of the heart when we speak because love is strong. And in some other twisted life (c'mon, ain't one cruel life enough?) I think I really did get the girl I've always loved but never loved.

Cheaper Than Blockbuster

2005-06-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

Quick props to the Cuyahoga County Public Library for having a great website, a huge DVD selection, and bestly, a pretty good music collection for a library chain. I shop mostly at the Middleburg Hts. branch and in the past three weeks, I've nabbed killer cuts from Bjork, Rufus Wainwright, The Libertines, Sonic Youth, Genesis, and Arcade Fire.
My only complaint is that there is still far too much crappy singer-songwriter albums and a plethora of world-centric weirdness. It's almost as if the purchaser of music for the library was trying to curate the Gordon Lightfoot and Ladysmith Black Mambazo music collection...

Goat Shit Makes Plants Happy

2005-06-04T08:13:00.000-05:00

Just some shots of the monster garden and the keeper of the garden. Just to make all y'all city slickers wish you could play in the dirt with us.

2005-05-30T01:37:00.000-05:00

Friday we went to Lake Erie for a picnic and this was the best the lake had to offer...

Highfalutin Wedding Extravaganza

Above is a montage of the very ritzy and glitzy wedding of our good friends Stephen and Tiffany. The reception at The Country Club in Pepper Pike was top-notch all the way. The bartenders wouldn't even let us tip 'em.
The band they hired, Nightbreeze was smoking good. From note-for-note swing tunes by Thelonious Monk and Coltrane to Four Tops and Smokey Robinson covers, these guys hit it good. And notice how the little ones hit the dance floor with a vengeance. Especially that little fellow doing the break-dance moves.

Now Let's Sit on the Berea Freeway

Sunday we came to a standstill on the Berea Freeway as a couple thousand motorcycles flew by us. Traffic was backed up for a couple miles behind us. And it's not so much the stopped traffic that sucked, but when they bikers passed and all the cars started moving again, that's when things got messy.

But we had plenty of time to sit and think about motorcycles because after that a train helped us learn the true meaning of patience...

The Pinata Kidz
So when we got where we were going we ended up hanging out with the pinata kidz at the Huckleberry Hideout. But they didn't bash the pinata while we were there. I told Julia (the cutie chugging Pabst) that my kid would love to hit the pinata. She says "You probably don't want her to hit that pinata..."
"Why?" I ask. "What's inside?"
She just says "It ain't candy..."

Never did find out what was in the pinata. Probably pot or rubbers or sex toys or something...

Which One's the Dog and Which One's the Horse??

Blue Meanies Everywhere

2005-05-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

So how ironic is it that Muslims around the world are rioting because of possible flushing and burning of the Koran? Are these not the same (peaceful) people who push for the execution of non-believers and infidels worldwide?
And here in the good ol' US of A lefties are demanding quick response and punishment should these allegations be pinned to our military.
So wait - whilst 'liberals' rail against the GWB administration because this Koran thing is, of course, just another sign of our administrations' ineptitude and insensitivity - many of these same folks are more than happy to make conservative Chiristians the brunt of stupid jokes and personal attacks. I get the feeling the Bush haters would love to elevate the Koran to 'protected status' here in our country while using the Bible as kindling for the book-burning fire.
The more closely I examine the movements in this country, the more I am convinced the Christian right, the Muslim extremists, and the Bush-hating lefties are all just slightly different forms of the same thing: Nutjobs who should talk less and mind their own businesses.
Just because you base your philosophy on a different hate doesn't make you any less of a hater...

I do, however, advocate equal book defacement for all. Bibles, Korans, Dead Sea Scrolls, Vedic Texts, Torahs, Stephen King novels, Shel Silverstein poetry books, and Cat Fancy magazines should ALL have equal access to the bonfire pit.

Bad John Cougar

2005-05-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

Yeah Bitch, my five year old graduated from preschool tonight. Normally I wouldn't devote space to squishy family shit, but she is so psyched to be a young adult now...

This was the program that preceded the actual graduation ceremony. The teachers found a way to stretch this out for a full two hours.

Actually, this looks more like the CD insert for a Ludacris album. I mean, 'Six on the Bed' for gosh sakes...This is total ghetto porn skrunk or crunk or whatever. 'Introduction by Ashley' is obviously about prostitution and being a ho. And the coolest of all: 'Don't Throw Your Junk/Chicken Dance'. That was a B-side from an Outkast record I think...Looking at this program made me wonder if I was gonna see a bunch of kids doing songs, or 50Cent come bustin' in to throw his junk...

So yeah, there was a Chicken Dance.

And cookies and brownies and Hawaiian Punch with sherbet in it and it was real good!!

Hazy Tuesday

2005-05-24T20:26:00.000-05:00

So here's a random assortment of the meeting of the minds at The Brew Keeper/Buckeye Brewing.
This is where all the real thinking goes on.

Laura the Queen Beer Snob takes a tipple as Lex Luther details his plan to control ALL of Cleveland..
Notice the perfunctory pinky finger jutting out whilst she sips the ale.

Lex Luther's plan involves small drone cars which reside under the former May Co. building downtown speeding out to the inner-ring suburbs to pick up poor rednecks who need to check their email and buy new cell phones and fill out job apps all at the same time...

"I need a drink." "I need a coupla drinks..." "I'm really drunk!!"

The shameless lovebirdz couldn't make it to the men's room before the kissy-face lip-lock Frenchy-kiss make-out sesh began. All brought to you by beer. Lots of beer.

Dog Smuggles Unpasteurized Dairy...Sweet Cheeses!

2005-05-23T20:51:00.000-05:00

Now I'm a fan of good imported cheese, but it's pretty expensive. And here in the states we can't get the really good nasty stuff. But don't fret.
I'm pretty sure my old dog has slyly started a fromagerie in her stinky pit bull jowls. Sometimes when I'm caught unawares, the old hound comes up to me and flaps out that stinky piece of ham that is her tongue, and smacks a stinky kiss upon my cheek. It is then that I suspect she has clandestinely been ageing Roquefort within her chaw.
For this I cannot prove, but the aromas that waft from her aged mouth would convince even the most seasoned connoiseur of cheeses that the old dog is harboring a dandy piece of cheddar deep within...

Drive Girlz Mull Cute Rogue

2005-05-20T21:52:00.000-05:00

I did a little 'Taste of Latin America' wine tasting/party tonight in the fine city of Aurora. Thusly I did drive 1.25 hours each way. Car gets 40 MPG with cruise control set at 72 MPH.
YAY for Honda 4 cylinders!!

Semi-drunk wine critics of Aurora...

Ken the wine guy...

Very, very cute food-dishing-out girl.

No wine tasting would be complete without a smooooth Wine Rogue.

And of course the nerd who walks into the picture...

The Late-Night Stoner Cooking Club

2005-05-16T22:51:00.000-05:00

Of all the fun things to do on a Monday late at night, I had the sudden urge to make vegetarian sauerkraut balls.
I 'Iron Cheffed' it up in about 15 minutes.
There's three easy steps...

Mix

Fry

Balls

My Hot Rod Has A Granny Gear

2005-05-15T19:36:00.002-05:00

Went to the Ashtabula County Antique Engine Club 'Spring Gas Up' on Sunday. If you've never been to a tractor show, imagine a hippie festival except instead of stoner kids gettin' rowdy and cops bustin' heads, it's a bunch of old-timers in overalls trading obscure parts for way old machines. Also, there's always lots of cool junk for sale or trade.

This PeeWee bike is the shit. Lots of this kind of good old crap for sale.

That's a sickle bar for all you horror movie freaks. Ya cut yer hay down with that.
Ya cut whatever you want with that!!

An Oliver 70 row-crop tractor late '30's. Sharp mod design and American-made.
Crank-start is nifty but can break your arm if you aren't careful. Go ahead, give it a try.

Some dude went hog wild trying to build this crazy moto-scooter-bike thing. You can see the big empty spot where the V-Twin slides in. Owner said the builder died before he got around to finishing it. Thing is, whoever takes this on its first ride will probably get killed when she breaks apart or throws you off...

One of the coolest things at these shows are the engines these guys keep running. This here's a John Deere one cylinder, one valve, water-jacket-cooled belt drive engine. You pour water in the hole on top to keep the cylinder cool. Then you attach a leather belt to the pulley and the engine drives the belt to run a device attached to the belt. They used this engine last summer to stir a big bucket of home-made ice cream.
For those of you into theory, this is the basic idea upon which all engines work. Piston power is converted into rotary power which is then transferred to a driven device. Basic engine physics.

1950 Minneapolis-Moline combine. Makes a great kids' playset.

You put your finger in right here...

I Voted For Boba Fett in '04

2005-05-13T23:52:00.000-05:00

All the Star Wars propaganda filthing up the airwaves has made me realize: Our government is really just part of an extended Star Wars saga. It's simple. We currently have the Empire residing in their Death Star working on the continuing plot to control the planet, while the wily Rebels continue their dodgy attack from Naboo.
In honor of all this Star Wars crap, I've basically re-expressed our current leaders as Lucasfilm characters.

The Evil Empire
George W. Bush, of course, is Darth Vader. Young and powerful with the tools to do good, he has darkness coursing through his veins. Much like Anakin Skywalker, he may have been good once, but those around him who were more powerful have turned him to the Dark Side.

Evil Sith Darth Maul is played expertly by Dick Cheney. A weapon whose sole purpose is destruction of Jedi, he was forged of the hateful energies of the Dark Side to be loyal to only one master - Darth Sidious (the Emperor).

Darth Sidious (the Emperor) is Ronald Reagan. Plain and simple.According to the Rebels, all evil in the solar system began with the Emperor...

Ted Kennedy. Jabba the Hut.

And all the super-psycho born again self-righteous haters can be Stormtroopers.

The Rebels & The Jedi
Jonh McCain is Han Solo and Howard Dean is Chewbacca. Han pretty much does what he wants and ain't loyal to nobody, baby. He's a maverick with a death wish. His faithful wookie just looks hairy and makes that plaintive growl/cry...

Jon Kerry is the spittin' image of Luke Skywalker. All young and fiery with limited common sense, but tons of great loopy ideas. It's gonna take Han Solo to keep Luke under control.

Lando Calrissian is Barack Obama. That's because Billy Dee Williams was cool and black. And Barack Obama is also a cool brother.

Senator Robert Byrd is the United States' very own Yoda. He's nearly indecipherable and he's always talking in tongues about things that happened hundreds of years ago.

How about Al Gore as Obi Wan Kenobi. Once upon a time, he actually mattered and fought for things that mattered. Now he's just old Ben Kenobi who lives in a cave in Jawa country.

Dennis Kucinich. Jar Jar Binks. Completely nosensical jibberish.

And Nancy Pelosi can be our Princess Leia. She sure can sass off alot and probably ought to be slapped. Or better yet, sedated by that little flying needle/syringe thingy...

See how easy it is? All this fighting amongst our politicians. It's nothing George Lucas didn't already write into a script. The Rebels never learn, though, that ya can't fight the Death Star with a bunch of bitchy commies based on the outskirts of the Dagoba star system.

And sincerest apologies. I couldn't find a place in the Star Wars galaxy for Hilary. I guess Lucas didn't write enough roles for lying cunts into his scripts.

Blame This One on the Artiste

2005-05-10T22:42:00.001-05:00

I made it to 3pm today without any major badness happening. Went to Hudson to meet some kidz for lunch. But being the morong that I am, I locked my keys in the ignish.

The only reason I had gone out to the car was to get a cd out of my stereo for the great artiste BG. Of course I had to turn on the ignish to get the cd to eject and subsequently grabbed the cd and hit the lock and walked, like, two steps away before I realized...

And of course I have my camera so I can take great pictures of my own stupidity, but I ain't smart enough to carry and extra key. I do, however, have bottle openers everywhere. Because it's more important to be able to open your beer than to drive home...

So the great artiste ended up dogging out and we went to SFO again and I tried to figure out what to do the secure my keys when Greg says, "Wait, I've got somebody...". And Greg makes a call and about six minutes later...

2005-05-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

The nice Guys show up outside the pizza place...

And they roll on over to the lot where my little Honda is parked and they blast away with them slim jim things for about ten minutes until boy wonder in the blue pops the driver side lock.

So thanks to you, gas station owner-guys, and especially to Greg for his handsome connections. These guys wouldn't even take and dough. Way too cool.

And Happy Birthday to Boy Schullo.

2005-05-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

So what's really important to remember is that there's nothing more important than this goat right here. NOTHING.

Honestly, do you think this bitch gives a crap that I locked my keys in my car and we had pizza and, well, whatever...

2005-05-10T22:40:00.000-05:00

City Asparagus

2005-05-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

Country Asparagus

2005-05-10T22:38:00.001-05:00

Baby Apple 2

2005-05-10T22:38:00.000-05:00

Baby Apple

2005-05-10T22:36:00.000-05:00

My Bad Dog Will Bite You.

Make Your Move, Buddy...

2005-05-06T23:19:00.000-05:00

This is Rebecca. I've known her since early in high school and I've been permanently in love with her for, like, fifteen years. Being married, however, prevents me from working my soulful white chump magic and winning her over for myself. Therefore, if you'd like the opportunity to wine, dine, and generally impress this wonderful woman with your suave moves, check her profile at Match.com.

Burning A Bridge

2005-05-06T20:27:00.000-05:00

Penance. I think that's what they call it.
Penance.
I've been feeling good and selling a good chunk of wine lately. So what do I do? I figure I need to go out and punish myself a little bit. Perform some penance, that is.
So I won't slam them on my front page, but this is where I went to truly punish myself a bit.
I've sold a total of three cases of wine to this place over the course of three months. And of course the wine guy (we'll call him Judy) wanted me to come in and pour the wine in-store on a totally busy Wednesday night. NOT!
So I stood around on a snowy Wednesday in February and about two people came and tasted my wine.
So Judy calls me Thursday and asks me to come in on Friday and pour some wine at 4pm. No, he didn't offer to buy any more wine, he just wanted me to come and try to sell the SAME WINE I had sold him in February.

Quick Math Lesson
Total wine purchased by this store since inception: approx. $240
My commission at 8.5%: $20.40
Two hours in February + two hours today = $5.10 per hour.
Factor in the drive TWICE to and from my house = I am an IDIOT!!

I don't know if I've ever spent a more depressing two hours that I did this afternoon. The entire management team at this store is like a bunch of Mike Ditkas on Vicodin. Imagine hiring a bunch of guys who've spent their lives at corporate union grocery stores and then telling them, 'OK guys, let's build a faux-upscale gourmet market.' If you've spent your life running a Mickey D's, it's gonna be real tough to build a highfalutin bistro.

And to be certain each of these guys fancies himself a satellitle consultant for the flippin' Wine Spectator.

Classic comments included:
"Real smooth, but bitey at the end..."
"They're all too tart for me..."
"Do ya have a Merlot?"

and the never-miss classic,
"...Do you have the Rothschild Chardonnay? I mean Cabernet......I had it in Virginia once."

I'm sorry, did you mean the Lafite? Or the Mouton?

And I had the pleasure of watching three different store managers do their own grocery shopping. Purchases included, but were not limited to: One 24 pack of Miller Lite. Three (3) shrink-wrapped twin packs of Forest Glen Pinot Grigio. Two boxes (5 liters each) of Franzia Chablis.
The manager who bought the Forest Glen twin packs also bought three bags of shrimp chips. What the fuck do you do with huge amounts of insipid Pinot Grigio and shrimp chips?

The best was the big Eeyore-lookin' guy who used to work at POB in Pepper Pike. He tried my wines and then bought a single bottle of Crane Lake Merlot. Smooth move Eeyore.

Suffice it to say I'll be refraining from re-entering that store except under the most dire circumstances. Judy told me to call him when we get this super-special new wine in. Why? So I can spend the summer doing in-store demos for cranky old-timers and ten cent millionaires?

If you live in Chardon, Ohio or thereabouts, I beg of thee: Find a REAL wine store at which to shop. These guys are absolutely, positively, undeniably, indubitably and without a doubt CLUELESS.

Back When Parmatown Was Cool

2005-05-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

I went and hung out for awhile with my friend Bridget today. She is one of the nicest and most true beatnik/anarchist/stoner artists I've ever met. Bridget recruits students for the Virginia Marti College of Art & Design. If you are a starving artist, GO SELL SOME ART and then use the proceeds to join Virginia Marti.
If you really want to know about the eary 80's geography of Cleveland, Bridget is your girl. From the BEST Electronics store on Brookpark Road, to the old Peaches store on Pearl, Bridget knows her now-defunct Cleveland landmarks. Really, how many people can pinpoint former Fazio's store locations on a map?

She even remembered Superhost.

And check Bridget's blog for the lowdown on the best muffler deal in town. Just remember, they're Christians, so show some respect, asshole.

And the picture? If you see that car on the road, step the fuck off! Buzzbomb!!

Berea, Ohio Rocked to the Core Last Night

2005-04-30T10:38:00.000-05:00

The venue for the most highly anticipated comeback show this year!!!

2005-04-30T10:26:00.000-05:00

Johnny A. on the kit. And a guest appearance from our seventh grade French teacher (class of '88-'89) Chris Reynolds.

Also of great import is the strategic positioning of the chalkboard with the word 'coleslaw' at all Exception shows.

And you may not be able to tell, but that's the Slayer logo with the eagle and the upside-down cross and pentacle on the bass drum...Yeah, these guys are low-key jammin' Satanists.

2005-04-30T10:24:00.000-05:00

Cassidy on the old red Strat. Matt P. on vocals. Notice the Living Colour 'Stain' tour t-shirt circa 1988...

2005-04-30T10:22:00.000-05:00

Trent on bass, Trent on bass. That's my nephew Roman kickin' it in the foreground.

2005-04-30T10:21:00.000-05:00

The Exception jams out for the first official performance in almost fifteen years. The front of the dance floor was reserved for the most hardcore Exception fans - the three year olds!

Mid 90's Flashback Night

2005-04-29T10:47:00.000-05:00

Fucking fabulous.
The Exception is playing a reunion show tonight in downtown Berea. Who are the Exception? Well, if you went to Berea High School in the early 90's, the Exception were like the Beatles of BHS bands. They haven't played together in an 'official' capacity in about ten years, but tonight they're regrouping to support the crappy Berea City School District levy. Now since I was real good friends with some of these guys back at BHS and I went to tons of Exception shows in high school, I can't bring myself to miss this rare opportunity to see four old buds play together for the first time in a long time.

Tomorow I'll have pics up and I'll se if I can score some old pics of the The Exception from the wayback super-groovy time machine...

2005-04-26T23:28:00.002-05:00

Between all the witty banter with customers and technical wine analysis, Frank finds time to pose thoughtfully with his favourite new bottle of wine.
He'll have you know that's a 2003 Crozes-Hermitage from Domaine Colombier. Stunning. Simply stunning.

Upper-Crust Wine Steward

2005-04-26T23:28:00.001-05:00

Some days selling wine is difficult. Some days not so.
I went to Hudson to the much ballyhooed Heinen's Fresh Market to sell some wine to my boy Frank, the wine guy there. I found him out on the back loading dock huffing cancers...And as a union guy, he's entitled to a certain amount of time per day to share with his Camels.

2005-04-26T23:28:00.000-05:00

What could this be? A commode for the elven?

2005-04-26T23:27:00.000-05:00

After my quality time with the wine steward, Teresa, who works for a rival wine outfit, came in to sell yet more wine to poor young Frank. Then we decided to not do a goddamn thing more and take Frank to lunch.

2005-04-26T23:26:00.001-05:00

Frank spent the entire lunch hour in deep contemplation concerning his fine wine program. "How do we get these stupid near-Clevelanders to buy more French wine?"

No, really we sat around and ate pizza at San Francisco Oven. Pretty good chain pizza. It's like they ripped off the Panera bread model and applied it to a pizza joint.

2005-04-26T23:25:00.001-05:00

After lunch and a short stop at the office, I met up with my old friend Dave at the Buckeye Bewing. I drank Reissdorf Kolsch on draft. Dave drank the '76 IPA.

2005-04-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

Dan drank Alt.

Not one of the tougher days I've had at work, but it'a job that simply must be done...

The Devil Took the Moonshine and the Mountain Boy That Day...

2005-04-25T19:37:00.000-05:00

So I got to thinking about crime and money. We all know crime doesn't pay these days. You can't embezzle shit. The feds are always one step ahead of you when it comes to e-crime. No counterfeiting, hacking, breaking, entering, eco-terrorism, or identity theft is safe from dang prosecution nowadays.
But what about bootlegging?
No, I don't mean buying bottles of Lafite out the back door of the winery and trying to turn a buck. I mean back hills, down home, boot scootin', Cannonball Runnin', Thunder Road bootleggin'!!
Who the hell really makes hooch out in a still in the barn just to rumble it across fuckin' Hatfield's Gulch and through Pine Tar Hollow in a rusty '56 Chrysler? Nobody, that's who...
So I think the future of crime is, well, Devo.
Ya gotta commit crimes that are so far out of date, so long past relevant, and generally not recognized as valid forms of criminal activity now. You could probably bootleg top-grade rotgut with impunity. Right past flippin' city hall all day.
In fact, come to think of it maybe the future would be a 'micro-hoochery'. Imagine small-batch firewater aged gracefully in hills cut into a Smoky Mountain cliffside. Imagine packin' up the back of old pappy's Nash Rambler with wooden boxes and gettin' ready to haul yer 8000 pound deathtrap across gravel backroads, hick'ry dotted hilltops, and random hillbilly junctions for midnight jollies at the backwater speakeasy with forties whores and sassy flappers galore.
Or did I just ruin my new retirement plan cuz I can't keep my trap shut...?

The Grizz My Nizz

2005-04-24T19:12:00.000-05:00

The Weber Grill Company has a commercial running now and they ask you to go to their website and write a witty story about your favorite Weber memory. I figured screw that, I'll blog this bitch myself.
This here's my five year old royal blue eighteen and a half inch Weber 'One Touch Gold' charcoal kettle. She's built for speed, my friend...and aero-dynamicisity. Notice the fine billet aluminum ash catcher with the smooth-glide handle for quick airflow adjustment. Check the still intact white plastic foot which acts as a brake against the mad torque produced by the high density rear wheels. Notice the shelf below for stowage of helmets and whatnot. This bitch can cook, old pal. You better beleive it.

2005-04-24T19:11:00.001-05:00

I'll have you notice the special hook lid-mounted internally so as to allow easy graspage of the side of the grill thereby rendering it unnecessary to lay the dome on the ground.
We're vegetarians (with the occasional foray into fish) so we've never gotten more meaty than the occasional piece of salmon on the grill. My brother did once cook some Giant Eagle porterhouses to charred perfection on this mighty cooktop.
Her most high and mighty achievement was probably one Thanksgiving where we cooked two aluminum-wrapped Tofurkeys side-by-side using the vaunted 'Indirect Heat' method. One has never tasted a juicier, tenderer, more soy-turkey-licious creation than that Thanksgiving feast. Just for a moment, we all were Pilgrims...

2005-04-24T19:11:00.000-05:00

The newest in coal ingnition. If you still use the 'pyramid' method and traditional lighter fuel, you are so, so out of touch with the new uber-reality of grilling...
And get yourself a case of Blatz returnables for heaven's sake!!

gratis delicatus

2005-04-24T19:08:00.000-05:00

The remnants of the racing graphics package still top the dome lid. Special thanks to Delicato, the producer of insipid and fairly homogenous California grocery store wines. Without the fine in-store displays of Delicato, I'd not have been able to score myself a no-charge grill. Thank you, big crappy wine conglomerate.

When the graphic wears off, I'm going to get a stencil of Calvin pissing on a Char Broil brand grill!!

Foot to Foot, Face to Face

2005-04-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know it looks strangely like a computer generated futuristic donkey, but that there is a true, honest to God Filibuster. Unleash one of these lean, mean buggers in the Capitol Rotunda and watch your Democratic process come to a grinding halt. Once you get this little jackass fired up, he ain't gonna stop. Those choppers rip the Representative right out of our Republic. Ya can't go past the Filibuster without getting yerself a new asshole ripped. Ya sure ain't goin' around that badass. And you betcha, he's stubborn as stubborn gets. Let loose this shifty fuck and he'll make it his life's goal to clog up the works, defile the medoicre integrity of our elected representatives, and generally sink his teeth into anyone that dares question his ass.
Two hundred years of tradition, my hoof!
Those mule drivers act like the motherfuckin' Zax who met face to face in the Prairie of Prax. What's so liberating about being a liberal these days?
Now get out there and Rock the Vote.
...Sorry, there is no vote...

2005-04-23T17:18:00.000-05:00

This here's a Filibuster, Pardner.

2005-04-23T15:34:00.000-05:00

2005-04-23T01:06:00.000-05:00

Bolton Insults Pope Benedict XVI with his own 'anunciation'...What a Prick.

Inaugural Post: Blastin' Bolton

2005-04-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

I have to raise a strenuous objection to the nomination of Michael Bolton as the US Ambassador to the United Nations. I mean, simply because a man possesses a soulful, mellow, slightly scratchy voice does not a diplomat make. For heck's sake, this is the guy who wrote and sang classics like 'Forever Isn't Long Enough' and 'You Don't Want Me Bad Enough'.
Now I know that this handsomely pony-tailed chanteur looks like the ideal foil to the likes of Wang Guang Ya of China and Iran's Javad Zarif, but one must dig deeper. Rumors abound that Bolton is abusive to his bandmates and touring staff, and that he feels the need to micromanage every aspect of his performance. Do we really need an ambassador whose songs toe such a hard line between brute stubbornness and downright ornery defiance? From the Nihilist dirge that is 'How Am I Supposed to Live Without You' to the horrifically offensive 'Said I Loved You, But I Lied' this Bolton character manages to offend and repel any remaining allies the United States may have.
The mantra for the United States these days should be DON'T PISS ANYBODY OFF! And with all due respect Michael Bolton, you truly piss people off. You are a danger to the country and to the modern world. Your flippant ways could very well make a vengeful monster out of even the most debonair statesman. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it were a man like you, Mr. Bolton who might just cause the demise of humanity. You and George W. Bush, of course...

And how does Bolton respond to this?

"Why me, why me, why me, why me
Help me understand just what you've done to me
'Cause I'm the richest man that I could ever be
Tell me why, tell me why, baby"

Honestly, is this the man we can trust with his finger on the button? I encourage you to call or write your state Senators and ask them to vote NO for the appointment of Michael Bolton as Ambassador to the UN...